Domestic Violence: The police are NOT your friends

Arriving at my office this morning, my assistant greeted me and told me that a physician had just called and had to see me immediately. He was arrested on domestic violence charges of assaulting and harassing his wife. This clearly was going to be an interesting way to end the week.

After an argument, the dour doctor allegedly pushed his wife and messed up her hair, which had just been taken to the hair salon. She was furious and her instant response was to call the police. When they arrived about two minutes later, they politely asked to come in and they said they wanted to talk with both of them. They were fiendishly friendly and soporifically solicitous. While two officers spoke to him, another spoke to her to find out what happened.

She told the officers that her lover was always domineering her and making unreasonable demands that she cook and clean and take care of the house. When she complained that he was being unfair, his response was to push her and tussle her hair. She emphatically emphasized that she did not want him arrested but she did want them to tell her to never again either push her or tussle her just coiffed hair.

He told them that when he arrived home, she started yelling about something or other and she got up close and personal and screamed in his face. His response was to tussle her hair and push her away. They told him that they did not expect such actions from a member of the healing profession and he certainly was not a criminal and would he please put his hands behind his back so that they could handcuff him and take him to the precinct.

She emphatically emphasized that she did NOT want him arrested. They told her she had to go to the precinct as well so that she could sign some papers and that everything would be all right. When she asked if her lover was going to be arrested and repeated that she did not want him to be arrested, they told her that they understood that she did not want him arrested and that she should not worry and everything was going to be all right.

He got out of jail after his arraignment in criminal court about twenty-four hours later with an order of protection issued against him that mandates that he stay away from his house and have no contact with his wife, even if she calls him and that he refrain from annoying, assaulting or harassing his lover on pains of being rearrested on charges of criminal contempt of court as well as whatever new charges the police decide to press against him. He was also told that if he wants to see his children, he must go to the family court to obtain an order of visitation.

There are several important lessons to learn from this disaster. Firstly, if you are on the receiving end of a push or a shove and you are angry at your spouse or lover, understand that if you do not want him or her to be arrested that you should not call the police. As soon as you do and they come to the house they will make an arrest. Domestic violence arrests are good for a police-person's personnel file.

Also understand that whatever you tell them will be used against either you or your spouse/ lover. While domestic violence is a horrible crime that can inflict tremendous trauma upon men, women and children, and I am not suggesting that victims not seek help, I am suggesting that it is necessary to understand that the police will not use their discretion to decide what is and what ain't domestic violence. If they come they will arrest.

The assistant district attorneys in the domestic violence parts of the criminal court are generally true believers who want every person charged with domestic violence to be convicted, regardless of their guilt or innocence. The cases drag on for months and are stressful, emotionally draining and expensive in terms of time, wear and tear on all parties involved and the expense of hiring experienced, expert counsel.